I'm sad

Rambling thoughts, lots going on. I just got back from a visit home. In many ways, it is so stressful. I have three households to visit and that always takes some coordination. I don't want to slight anyone and of course, some people are more understanding of time than others.

It was a whirlwind visit. Had lunch with my dad which is always a long ordeal. He moves slower than molassas and is just as messy. We had Thai food, for something different. W chose the restaurant out of the phone book. Not his typical MO, but it worked out.

After that, we went home to help Mom cook dinner for New Year's. Unfortunately, I had missed some of the verbal cues and didn't realize that Uncle T would not be coming for dinner. I think that made Mom and W realize that all of their stupid ambiguous descriptions were doing more harm than good. Don't talk about Uncle T lying in bed all day and then how much better he's doing with his caretaker. Don't talk about how sharp his mind is, but then confused he is. Just come right out and say it. He's dying and there's nothing that can be done about it. There, I said it. And it brings back all the sad, mixed up feelings I had when Auntie L was dying. You'd think with time and hopefully maturity, I could weather this sad time better, but I doubt it.

So since dinner was only going to be the three of us, I told them I wanted to visit Uncle T before dinner, not after dinner and off I went. Something in me said that I needed to see him NOW.

Yes, his mind is still sharp. He recognized me and was happy to see me as soon as I went in. He was alone, no one had come to feed him, as far as I could tell. He wasn't doing very well and needed his diaper changed so I rang the staff for help. Good thing this wasn't an emergency since no one came for quite a while. I stayed for about an hour, then left.

Mom and I went back in the morning, but he was worn out from getting bathed and moved in the morning and we left after a couple of hours since I was meeting a friend and Mom wanted to go to church.

When we went back later, he wasn't there. They had taken him to the hospital so we went straight there. He was diagnosed with pneumonia and dehydration. We knew the latter was a strong possibility, but the first was a surprise. I felt a small amount of guilt that we didn't know he was that bad, but on the other hand, his two nephews and hired caretaker had been there in the morning. I assume they know more about his condition than me. He didn't wake up the entire time we were at the hospital, but then I had to leave to catch my flight.

Even though this was a three day weekend, I thought I'd just fly up for a short visit. Make life easy on myself. Give myself a day to relax. I was even considering cancelling my trip, but obviously decided not too. Good thing I didn't. I didn't realize that A would be working today. Normally, I'd be happy to have a day to myself. But in my current state, I really need the company. I have to take my car in to the body shop, deal with insurance, worry about the family. All I want to do in crawl back into bed and sleep for long, long time.